Paris Hilton has a cooking show on Netflix called Cooking With Paris, and it’s – in part – everything you think: a champagne cocktail with fragrant foam and over-the-top glamor that’s curious rather than purposeful. If you think you could never take Paris Hilton seriously in the kitchen, then neither will she; that’s what makes the show so charming.
Heiress to the Hilton hotel empire and Hollywood socialite simply dies, which is her own made-up word for killing while she was alive. We should all sliv more.
First a little bit of background: Yes, Hilton has never had a real day to work in her life. She just seemed to be living her best life in her smooth, fabulous skin. Most of time. And mostly here is the nuance.
Hilton isn’t all that catches the eye. As a teenager, she was literally kidnapped in the middle of the night by strangers on the instructions of her super strict parents to a “boarding school” where she did not see the light of day for 11 months.
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Earlier this year, she spoke at a committee hearing at the Utah State Capitol in Salt Lake City, calling on lawmakers to pass laws that protect teenagers from the kind of treatment they received in these schools:
“I was forced to take medication that made me numb and exhausted. I didn’t breathe fresh air or see the sunlight for 11 months. There was no privacy. Every time I went to the bathroom or took a shower, it was monitored When I was 16 years old – as a child – I felt her piercing eyes stare at my naked body. I was just a kid and I felt hurt every day. ”
“I’m proof that money doesn’t protect against abuse,” Hilton told the committee.
One of her worst memories was solitary confinement.
“That little room full of scratches and blood smeared with no bath is one of the most vivid and traumatic memories I’ve had in my entire life,” Hilton told the committee.
The abuse and the fact that it was at the discretion of their parents should enable lifelong therapy. With a slow simmer on the back burner, let’s dive into the Christmas party episode where Hilton cleaned, buttered, stuffed, and roasted a turkey. It’s a laughable comedy at times and charming again in a harmless and lovable way.
Part of the theme of the show is that Hilton is looking to start a family soon. So she invites a friend and they cook their way through a meal. In flowing designer clothes and high heels, she masters dinner in the house. The recipes are all handwritten in a large, masked scrapbook with different colored markings for each step.
“This is crazy. Who invented stuffing a turkey’s ass with fruits and vegetables? Someone who’s a huge pervert.” – Paris Hilton
tweet this Taco Night with Saweetie had loads of margaritas and an impressive cake with flan topping, and Hilton clicked through the kitchen in high heels and was never a little nervous about any mishaps.
Kim Kardashian stopped by on another episode for a brunch of Frosted Flakes French toast and glittery homemade marshmallows. Yes, it’s all silly and chefs will likely go insane when they see it, but it’s fun. Hilton has a bright personality and lighthearted authority because … well, she can.
When Hilton first bought her bird at the butcher’s for her celebratory meal, she immediately wanted to run away: a raw turkey is too close to its original self. Unfortunately, she brings it home and puts it in the sink, where she reaches into the bird’s den to salvage what she thinks is a penis neck. Then she pulls out the bag with the innards with a light toggle.
When someone on camera tells Hilton to rinse the bird, she takes a bottle of water from the counter and pours it over the turkey, while a caption luckily tells viewers that tap water works too. Forcing the turkey out of the sink as if lifting a smelly baby out of the bathtub, plopping it on the counter and drying it within arm’s reach before saying, “That covers everything except therapy.”
Next, Hilton adds a dry brine that she thinks is like “massaging a fat, hairy, gross dude”. (More gagging.) While stuffing the bird, Hilton says, “This is insane. Who invented stuffing a turkey’s ass with fruits and vegetables? Someone who is a huge pervert. ”
At some point, Hilton is told to put a cup and a half of white wine on the bottom of the frying pan, and instead she pours the whole bottle to get her turkey “lit”. Later, when a timer runs out, she jokes, “Let’s check this bitch out,” using the verb “goldening” as opposed to roasting.
For you and three social media influencers, the dinner turns out to be a wonderfully hot, glittering party. One asks if they should say grace before they eat. Hilton nods subtly and says with a slight smile, “I pray this food is hot. [Pause.] Loves it. [Pause.] Amen.”
And the other three say amen, because in true Paris-Hilton fashion, it’s the best and most ridiculous prayer ever.
Sliv this holiday season.
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